For most, the word December rings memories of snowfall, Christmas, food, family, and the coming of a new year. For most, the word December brings a smile to many faces and warmth in many hearts. For others... we long for the moment when that experience may be our own.
Do you ever wonder why life never fails to distract you with disappointment and dissatisfaction. The moments when you feel you have finally taken steps forward and taken control of your destiny, that distraction is there to remind you that destiny is not something that we will ever have the power to determine. No matter how far we move forward in our lives there will always be instances, like the holidays, that force us to take a step back and look at where we have come from... where we have been. These moments give us the opportunity to look around us and see the people we are with now and those that we have left... see the differences that have been made and those that are still left to be made... see what has been done and what needs to be done...
It's funny the way we get wrapped up in our lives... we are so quick to be able to forget, to block out the things that hold us back or have held us back in the past... we are so quick to move forward... to move on... and although this is important and what point must we reconsider the balance between moving on and allowing ourselves to be moved by the things we run away from? At the same time, however, we must consider the things that we continue to allow to influence our lives that maybe we should completely cut out.... because however much we want to believe that it makes us stronger... maybe our strength is just a front for the weakness we have refused to accept.
Although I'd like to say that this is our only struggle with pride, we have been so jaded by our love for ourselves that we are constantly overshadowed by this ideal image and thus find ways to deny, hide, run from the main faults to our character... to our social development... to others... and most importantly to ourselves....
Recently I've come to realize that some of the people who I once so greatly admired have finally revealed their true character... as we cannot hide beneath our smooth and shiny veneer forever. It made me realize not only how quickly we work to create this facade but also how quickly we are to accept that of others... and although bits of their truth may have come out in the past, we allow the excuses, the lies, and the cover-ups to continue to deny us the freedom to see clearly and honestly through the eyes that we should trust from experience. I'm not suggesting the need to question every character but instead to question ourselves and our own desire to push our picture of perfection.... for the less we lie to others and the less we lie to ourselves can only equal a smaller disappointment when we must finaly come to grips with our true reality...
We always want to believe that whatever our hidden truths are for the betterment of those around us and for the safety and protection of those we love... if we truly loved those around us though we would allow them the ability to experience a full and honest life... exposed to all the truths that they can afford... to know that their life was real, that they were real, and so were you... we only live once and although that life might never amount to the dream we had in our heads at least we won't wake up one morning to find out that our entire past was just a dream... and leaving us to pick up the pieces.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Can We Want?
i wanna live in a timeless time
i wanna scream and be happy after
that's all I'd hope to find
i don't mind losing moments
but i do mind losing time
each second that we cant rewind
takes away all peace of mind
don;t tell me not to look too far
to hide what came between
the fate that lies is too bizarre
it's already all been seen
I don't mind passing failures
mistakes the motions of regret
as i lie here in a cold sweat
it's just so hard to forget
i wanna scream and be happy after
that's all I'd hope to find
i don't mind losing moments
but i do mind losing time
each second that we cant rewind
takes away all peace of mind
don;t tell me not to look too far
to hide what came between
the fate that lies is too bizarre
it's already all been seen
I don't mind passing failures
mistakes the motions of regret
as i lie here in a cold sweat
it's just so hard to forget
Today's Tomorrow
At what point does our life become less of something that we can live and more of something we must simply live through? At what point does our life seem so complicate that our only goal is to uncomplicated it? At what point does our life become so focused on survival that our final accomplishment will be to simply say that we survived?
I Sometimes I have moments of utter captivation as I think about where I am going and if I ever get there, will I realize it? Will I notice it? By that point, will I even care? We are always told that we must live each day as though tomorrow we would believing no more but what I find so sad is that every day we are only thinking about what we can accomplish tomorrow. We live each day with our eyes focused on what will come next… focused on what is ahead… and focused not on what we achieved or what we are achieving... but rather, what we CAN achieve.
If I died right now, right this second… the only thing to be said would be that I had a good head on my shoulders... I had focus, I had direction… but where does direction take us in the course of our lives? The only thing that direction does is lead us toward an endless goals of things we may never accomplish… and even those short term goals are only ones set out to keep us in that direction toward our future... which again, might be one we may never achieve.
I’m not saying to throw things aside and forget all of your future plans. I’m not saying to throw away your future and to focus on temporary pleasure and excitement… but how terrible would it be to enjoy the life that we are trying to create for ourselves. Because even when we finally have what we want at what point do we stop wanting more? Why cant I want what is here? Why can’t I want today?
I Sometimes I have moments of utter captivation as I think about where I am going and if I ever get there, will I realize it? Will I notice it? By that point, will I even care? We are always told that we must live each day as though tomorrow we would believing no more but what I find so sad is that every day we are only thinking about what we can accomplish tomorrow. We live each day with our eyes focused on what will come next… focused on what is ahead… and focused not on what we achieved or what we are achieving... but rather, what we CAN achieve.
If I died right now, right this second… the only thing to be said would be that I had a good head on my shoulders... I had focus, I had direction… but where does direction take us in the course of our lives? The only thing that direction does is lead us toward an endless goals of things we may never accomplish… and even those short term goals are only ones set out to keep us in that direction toward our future... which again, might be one we may never achieve.
I’m not saying to throw things aside and forget all of your future plans. I’m not saying to throw away your future and to focus on temporary pleasure and excitement… but how terrible would it be to enjoy the life that we are trying to create for ourselves. Because even when we finally have what we want at what point do we stop wanting more? Why cant I want what is here? Why can’t I want today?
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Will We Be Ready?
We live in a world of overwhelming expectation, unexpected disappointment, and ever-threatening uncertainty. We live in a world of hope shadowed with doubt, drive with fear, and desire with reserve. We know what we want yet our hands have always been slapped when we try to grab for that. We are conditioned to believe that ..good things come to those who wait... But how long must we wait before we are conditioned to accept the good things that we have waited for? Or will we ever?
We constantly criticize our society for being indulgent, for not thinking, for flying by the seat of our pants, for moving quickly, for looking for pleasure, for seeing the present, for ignoring the future.. and although that may be true, why is this criticized and not admired? Why do assume that the alternate lifestyle is any better?
We say we want to feel, experience, live, and love. We say we want that excitement, the thrill, the adventure... we say we want the romance. We dream of a fairytale. We say we want... LIFE. But when, in all these instances, in all your own, have you ever known life or love to exist under any sort of controlled environment? In what romance, in what fairytale, adventure or thrill... in what amazing love story have you heard of the characters being afraid to lose control? Afraid to simply... be.
In our lives we are too often reminded... too often warned to, ..be careful.... to ..keep our guard up.... to ..be sure... We pride ourselves on PRIDE. We convince ourselves that things are not worth the effort, that things move to quickly, that we should only afford a single chance... or that we are simply too good to even be bothered. I ask you then... what is good enough for you? When you look and long for perfection I only hope that you can find that in yourself. When you say you can't find what you're looking for... I only hope that your eyes are fully open.
It..s funny how in every other aspect of our lives we are pushed to take risks, to reach for the impossible, to trust in our self, to jump off the high dive... but in the one area that is fully reliant on gut, on emotion, on instinct... we are trained to not believe it. Never have we been advised to tread most lightly on eggshells than when dealing with love... We are taught to move slowly and quietly, with reserve, with caution... with "safety".. but have you ever thought that the more slowly you move toward people, the more quickly people will move away from you?
In all of our ambitions, we adopt the mentality... ..The greater the risk = the greater the reward..... But this isn't something that should pertain only to the things in life we can control, the things we have back up plans for, the things that we think we can experience with a certain amount of dignity and grace... because in reality, if you can do and have all those things, then the true risk is not really a risk at all. Risk is losing control, not knowing, not having a plan... Risk is scary... Risk is dangerous... Risk is uncertain... Risk is a RISK. And only when we decide to believe that and understand it can we really experience the benefits and reward of TRULY putting ourselves on the line.
We all have history. No one can say they..ve lived 12, 20, 30, 42, or 98 years without one. We all have our own and yet we are all have parts in common. Everyone has laughed and cried. Everyone has been excited and disappointed. Everyone has taught and been taught, everyone has learned and everyone continues learning.. and no matter who you believe you are or what you believe you've done... everyone has hurt... and if you think about everything you experienced during that time and everything you wish you hadn't.. know that all that pain and anguish, all that growth, and all that overcoming... all of it is worthless unless you have really learned... unless you can really move on... unless your history has given you the capacity to experience, to know, to understand... to love on a level that you have never known before...
We say we want that ability, that capacity, that motion forward... and if this is true, then why are we so afraid to take it? We should be afraid of never having the opportunity to experience it instead of afraid to grab hold of the option... We say all we ant is happiness, all we want is emotion, all we want is to live, love, and be loved... but then why do we restrict any opportunity we have of doing that? Why do we insist on remembering our pains and reliving them every opportunity we get? Why do we insist on using it as an excuse for our misery now?
I'm sick of people people blaming their misery on lack of opportunity... when in reality, it's only their lack of openness to experience that causes such unhappiness... you can't live if you're afraid of living, you can't find love if you don't give others the option to love you, you can't find yourself, if you're too afraid to look.
I tell you now, I beg of you... don't fear. Don't fear love and don't fear life because in doing so you will only come to realize how much you have lost.. even more than what you lost the first time.
We constantly criticize our society for being indulgent, for not thinking, for flying by the seat of our pants, for moving quickly, for looking for pleasure, for seeing the present, for ignoring the future.. and although that may be true, why is this criticized and not admired? Why do assume that the alternate lifestyle is any better?
We say we want to feel, experience, live, and love. We say we want that excitement, the thrill, the adventure... we say we want the romance. We dream of a fairytale. We say we want... LIFE. But when, in all these instances, in all your own, have you ever known life or love to exist under any sort of controlled environment? In what romance, in what fairytale, adventure or thrill... in what amazing love story have you heard of the characters being afraid to lose control? Afraid to simply... be.
In our lives we are too often reminded... too often warned to, ..be careful.... to ..keep our guard up.... to ..be sure... We pride ourselves on PRIDE. We convince ourselves that things are not worth the effort, that things move to quickly, that we should only afford a single chance... or that we are simply too good to even be bothered. I ask you then... what is good enough for you? When you look and long for perfection I only hope that you can find that in yourself. When you say you can't find what you're looking for... I only hope that your eyes are fully open.
It..s funny how in every other aspect of our lives we are pushed to take risks, to reach for the impossible, to trust in our self, to jump off the high dive... but in the one area that is fully reliant on gut, on emotion, on instinct... we are trained to not believe it. Never have we been advised to tread most lightly on eggshells than when dealing with love... We are taught to move slowly and quietly, with reserve, with caution... with "safety".. but have you ever thought that the more slowly you move toward people, the more quickly people will move away from you?
In all of our ambitions, we adopt the mentality... ..The greater the risk = the greater the reward..... But this isn't something that should pertain only to the things in life we can control, the things we have back up plans for, the things that we think we can experience with a certain amount of dignity and grace... because in reality, if you can do and have all those things, then the true risk is not really a risk at all. Risk is losing control, not knowing, not having a plan... Risk is scary... Risk is dangerous... Risk is uncertain... Risk is a RISK. And only when we decide to believe that and understand it can we really experience the benefits and reward of TRULY putting ourselves on the line.
We all have history. No one can say they..ve lived 12, 20, 30, 42, or 98 years without one. We all have our own and yet we are all have parts in common. Everyone has laughed and cried. Everyone has been excited and disappointed. Everyone has taught and been taught, everyone has learned and everyone continues learning.. and no matter who you believe you are or what you believe you've done... everyone has hurt... and if you think about everything you experienced during that time and everything you wish you hadn't.. know that all that pain and anguish, all that growth, and all that overcoming... all of it is worthless unless you have really learned... unless you can really move on... unless your history has given you the capacity to experience, to know, to understand... to love on a level that you have never known before...
We say we want that ability, that capacity, that motion forward... and if this is true, then why are we so afraid to take it? We should be afraid of never having the opportunity to experience it instead of afraid to grab hold of the option... We say all we ant is happiness, all we want is emotion, all we want is to live, love, and be loved... but then why do we restrict any opportunity we have of doing that? Why do we insist on remembering our pains and reliving them every opportunity we get? Why do we insist on using it as an excuse for our misery now?
I'm sick of people people blaming their misery on lack of opportunity... when in reality, it's only their lack of openness to experience that causes such unhappiness... you can't live if you're afraid of living, you can't find love if you don't give others the option to love you, you can't find yourself, if you're too afraid to look.
I tell you now, I beg of you... don't fear. Don't fear love and don't fear life because in doing so you will only come to realize how much you have lost.. even more than what you lost the first time.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Through Another's Eyes
Weak and tired we drag ourselves out of bed every morning to a buzzing alarm that reminds us how sadly the creation of time has grown to run our lives... how each hour, minute, and second makes a difference that could possibly manipulate the fate of our future in the next day, week, or lifetime... and in the midst of this we are trapped in the monotony of the lives that we fall into... and however much we might fight it or hate it or not even notice it at times, do we ever take a moment to notice ourselves?
When you look into the mirror each morning, what do you see? Nothing? Because it's too early for your eyes to process anything concrete? A canvas that you must prepare and perfect before letting anyone else see an unfinished "work of art"? Someone that you don't want to? Someone that you strive to be? In any of these instances I beg... do you ever see you?
We live in a world that sees us for the outward expression of who we are... and if that is how we are judged, why do we hide the reality that lies beneath? And why, even in those few instances of honest expression, are we even more judged for the honesty that we portray? We beg to be known and we beg for truth but when it spits in our face we run and turn our backs against the only reality we might possibly ever know.
When you look into the mirror each morning, what do you see? Nothing? Because it's too early for your eyes to process anything concrete? A canvas that you must prepare and perfect before letting anyone else see an unfinished "work of art"? Someone that you don't want to? Someone that you strive to be? In any of these instances I beg... do you ever see you?
We live in a world that sees us for the outward expression of who we are... and if that is how we are judged, why do we hide the reality that lies beneath? And why, even in those few instances of honest expression, are we even more judged for the honesty that we portray? We beg to be known and we beg for truth but when it spits in our face we run and turn our backs against the only reality we might possibly ever know.
Monday, October 2, 2006
Prevail
Headfirst.
Headstrong.
Head forward into the blindness that lies ahead.
For in that mind you question
Trust
Doubt.
Yet only know the truth your eyes have afforded
And the knowledge you have seen.
Knowledge void of heart
Remains an empty chamber lost in the midst of the “ought”
Blind to the reality of all that’s brought
A true remembrance of everything you’ve fought.
Though still
Only our mind can create this rhyme;
Only our heart can manifest it.
So feel not the confines of your thought,
Retreat to the defeat of the life you sought.
And believe.
Achieve.
Retrieve.
Everything you’re looking for.
Headstrong.
Head forward into the blindness that lies ahead.
For in that mind you question
Trust
Doubt.
Yet only know the truth your eyes have afforded
And the knowledge you have seen.
Knowledge void of heart
Remains an empty chamber lost in the midst of the “ought”
Blind to the reality of all that’s brought
A true remembrance of everything you’ve fought.
Though still
Only our mind can create this rhyme;
Only our heart can manifest it.
So feel not the confines of your thought,
Retreat to the defeat of the life you sought.
And believe.
Achieve.
Retrieve.
Everything you’re looking for.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
All You Need
For the longest time I thought that I knew what it was to love and how good it felt to hear someone say that I was loved. I thought I knew what it felt to hurt, to cry. I thought that the most painful thing in the world was being hurt by the one you loved and not knowing where to go from there. I thought I couldn't talk to the one I loved about something that bothered me if it involved them and I was afraid to bring out any of their flaws, afraid to ask for change, afraid to ask for what I needed to be truly happy. Well, I realized that never have I been more wrong.
I'm not going to pretend that I know what it means or feels to love eternally. Because I don't. I'm not going to pretend I know what perfection is, because I don't know that either. But I think what it really comes down to is that there is no perfection. It doesn't exist. Love isn't perfect and never will be. If it was then it wouldn't be love because love is all about taking everything, the good with the bad, and holding it so close to you that you cant figure out what has actually become a part of you. Love isn't thinking, it's feeling... and no, the most painful thing in the world is not being hurt by the one you love... but hurting the one you love. It's not about avoiding problems, but embracing them, and realizing the intimacy that comes with every embrace. It's not about changing flaws but loving them, and not seeing them as flaws, but a beautiful part of that person you love so intensely. The greatest feeling in the world is not being loved and having someone say, "I Love You", but loving someone and knowing how happy they are to hear you say it to them.
The greatest feeling is knowing that you yourself have the ability to make someone as happy as you feel every time you see them. You have the ability to make someone smile just because you exist. That feeling when your heart is so full, so bursting with emotion that you wish you could just share your heart with theirs so that they may feel even an ounce of the amazement that you've seen, felt, experienced. I used to question "love is all you need". I didn't think it could make it through any situation. I didn't believe it was always strong enough and yes, I did think you needed things in life other than love. I thought losing love was devastating and wanted nothing but to have it back, and wanted it even more when I couldn't have it. And yet again, I was wrong. Because love isn't about wanting what you can't have. It's about wanting when you can't have it and even more when you can. It's about loving, yet feeling that even love is not good enough, not strong enough for everything you feel. It's about being so entranced by someone that no words could ever be strong enough, and the only sufficient form of expression is the entrancing glance you share with one another when you fall so deeply into the other's eyes that the rest of the world just disappears.
Love is all you need.
Love is hope and faith, desire, understanding, compassion, trust, loyalty, individuality, character, composure, excitement, and so much more. But most importantly love is about passion. Passion so true so rare so raw that it's depth and density will never dwindle. To love someone with that much passion is to make anything work. To take that spark, that drive between the loved and go where you need to go. Love is taking that passion and running with it, finding a way, looking for the answer, and in times when one doesn't exist, making one.
I'm not going to pretend that I know what it means or feels to love eternally. Because I don't. I'm not going to pretend I know what perfection is, because I don't know that either. But I think what it really comes down to is that there is no perfection. It doesn't exist. Love isn't perfect and never will be. If it was then it wouldn't be love because love is all about taking everything, the good with the bad, and holding it so close to you that you cant figure out what has actually become a part of you. Love isn't thinking, it's feeling... and no, the most painful thing in the world is not being hurt by the one you love... but hurting the one you love. It's not about avoiding problems, but embracing them, and realizing the intimacy that comes with every embrace. It's not about changing flaws but loving them, and not seeing them as flaws, but a beautiful part of that person you love so intensely. The greatest feeling in the world is not being loved and having someone say, "I Love You", but loving someone and knowing how happy they are to hear you say it to them.
The greatest feeling is knowing that you yourself have the ability to make someone as happy as you feel every time you see them. You have the ability to make someone smile just because you exist. That feeling when your heart is so full, so bursting with emotion that you wish you could just share your heart with theirs so that they may feel even an ounce of the amazement that you've seen, felt, experienced. I used to question "love is all you need". I didn't think it could make it through any situation. I didn't believe it was always strong enough and yes, I did think you needed things in life other than love. I thought losing love was devastating and wanted nothing but to have it back, and wanted it even more when I couldn't have it. And yet again, I was wrong. Because love isn't about wanting what you can't have. It's about wanting when you can't have it and even more when you can. It's about loving, yet feeling that even love is not good enough, not strong enough for everything you feel. It's about being so entranced by someone that no words could ever be strong enough, and the only sufficient form of expression is the entrancing glance you share with one another when you fall so deeply into the other's eyes that the rest of the world just disappears.
Love is all you need.
Love is hope and faith, desire, understanding, compassion, trust, loyalty, individuality, character, composure, excitement, and so much more. But most importantly love is about passion. Passion so true so rare so raw that it's depth and density will never dwindle. To love someone with that much passion is to make anything work. To take that spark, that drive between the loved and go where you need to go. Love is taking that passion and running with it, finding a way, looking for the answer, and in times when one doesn't exist, making one.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)